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  4. Afraid of Coming Closer: Self-Defense and Love


How you ever wondered why you always react in a certain way to your significant others? The answer may be found in what the author calls the “self-defense strategy.” Understanding its mechanism is the first step. 

We are all products of our past, in good ways and bad ways. One of the bad influences of the past is what the author calls “self-defense” reaction, where you unconsciously distance yourself from your loved ones. This is the typical reaction found among those who did not receive enough love from their parents in early days. It’s not easy to recognize this by oneself, but more difficult to fix once it becomes habituated. Don’t worry though. This is the book for you. Understanding the mechanism and having a conversation with your significant others about it is the first, yet vital step you can take. Let’s face it, and become an owner of your past. 


1. What is “self-defense strategy”?

2. Problems lie in your unconscious 

3. People flee from love, afraid of loss

4. Unfortunate cases of loveless life 

5. Danger in idealizing your parents

6. Being aware of your emotions

7. Getting rid of unnecessary self-defense strategy

8. Return to your true self  

About the Author

Ms. Ilse Sand is a clinical psychologist in Denmark. At Aarhus University, Ms. Sand studied theology and wrote a masters dissertation on Carl G. Young and Soren Kierkegaard. She worked at a church for a few years, and became a trainer, lecturer, and therapist. Ms. Sand is a member of Denmark Association of Psychologists.   

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